"Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." ~Marilyn vos Savant
I'm sad. I can't think of any other way to put it other than to just say, I'm really sad. This month and last month have dealt me some harsh realities that I wasn't ready to face. Many of us hold on to relationships that we know aren't good for us in hopes of it getting better. Yes, today is terrible, but there is always tomorrow.
Being optimistic has never been my strong suit, and after these weeks of nothing good and all bad, it's even worse now. On one hand I have friendships that hang in the balance and I have no desire to try and save them. Instead I'm looking at them, wondering when they will fall off so that I can move on without the worry of them being there when I wake up tomorrow. On the other hand, I have family. The dynamic of my family has changed so much over the years, and for some reason I'm just now seeing it. I don't like what I see.
I've never had a perfect life. Just look around on my blog, it's filled with problems. But for some reason life, my life, has become exhausting. I've even struggled to write these last few months. I've dropped the ball on all of my writing obligations because I can't seem to pull myself up out of this funk. It's as if I don't know what to do with the words floating around in my head. The scary part about all of this is, I haven't cried, this pain goes far beyond tears. I'm scared, and I'm sad, I'm angry, and I'm unsure. I am terrified, that's what I am. For a girl who always has the answers, it scares the hell out of me that I can't seem to find any for myself.
My laugh is a mere chuckle now. My smile is faint, and I've grown quiet. The obvious answer would be to give it up to God, but I can't. He and I haven't talked in a while because my trust in him is almost non existent. For every good in my life there has been a terrible thing that pops up and overshadows the good, leaving me to wonder why I even still try. I've had days like this where I'm unsure, and I question Him, but none have ever hurt as bad at this one does. I'm afraid I may have lost my Faith, which then leads to the question, what now?
I've done all that I know how to do to lift this thing off of me. I even downloaded a meditation app that I listen to every night, in hopes of relaxing and finding a happier place. Nothing is working. I want to believe that this too shall pass, but every time I say the words out loud, they are followed by, but how long before it returns? I'm hoping that when the dust settles, I'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, because at the moment, my vision is a little blurry.