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Returning Home to Silence

I decided to go home for Thanksgiving a few years ago because my grandmother kept asking. She was borderline begging, something I believed was completely unnecessary, but I get it now. She and I have been talking a lot lately, mainly because when she calls my mom I just so happen to be around to answer the phone. We sometimes  speak  thirty minutes sometimes an hour or more. My mind was made up though, I wasn't going. There is just so much going on, so many things unsettled that the last thing I had time for was to go home and do nothing. I'd even told my boss once I decided to go that I could work from there. I did everything I could to avoid making this a real vacation. But I booked my flight and headed back to the small town where I was born and spent at least a week two times a year while growing up. You see, from the age of four up to now I've lived in Los Angeles, but it's never been home. My homes are Decatur, IL where my mama gave birth to me, and Johnstown, P...
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Guilt

"Tell Lana not to bring her ass into town again and not come by to see me!" My dad on the left and my uncle on the right You said those words to my father. I'd never come home and not laid eyes on you. 2015 was the first time for us. You said you were coming to me and I waited, and when you didn't show, I figured I'd just see you the next day. I still had three days left in the town I call home. Where the people who hold my heart stay. I thought we had time. But you didn't show up and I didn't try to find you, I thought you were busy with other family members or maybe you were tired. I didn't want to be the one to disturb your rest. This illness hasn't been easy on you, I wanted you to have peace, if only for a few hours.  My thought was, I'd always be able to come back and see you. I'm returning this year. I told my mom to tell you that I wanted to see your face in November. You told her you'd be there. Now, I'm not so sur...

My Dating Life Ain't Been No Crystal Stair....

When the year started, I made the announcement that I would start dating again. I was all, it's a new year, a new day, a new looooove...and I haven't done that in a while,  think I'll do that! *snaps fingers* *does dramatic hand gestures*  I was remixing the hell out of Jennifer Hudson's Weight Watchers commercial. Yeah, that didn't really happen the way I thought it would. I haven't been avoiding dating, I just haven't been doing it. And I didn't even realize that I  hadn't been trying to date until the other day. While on Twitter, Bassey tweeted something like (don't quote me), I'm not attracted to one single person right now.  That's me paraphrasing but you get the point. She was saying that she sees a guy, and yeah, he may be attractive, but she has no interest in the guy. Yes, he may be this awesome person, but, eh, what's one more awesome person in the world? And I get it, my goodness, do I get it. It's funny, lately I...

I Hate August

August was a shitty month. There is just no other way to break it down. It was filled with death, disappointment, racism, hatred, and unforeseen problems. And I for one will not be participating in August next year. Listen, August swooped her hating ass down and knocked everything on the table onto the floor and dared me to pick it up. It was really the most disturbing month I've ever had the displeasure of being a part of. Let's see if I can name off the things that happened in the exact order of their occurrence. 1. At the beginning of the month, I was on my way home from work and caught a flat. No problem, right? These things happen all the time. Well, the universe decided to show me that things don't always come easy. Not only did it take an hour for someone to come change my tire, but when they were trying to take the tire off, they broke something. But, the spare was put on, and I was off. While diving slower than usual, I was pulled over by the police, "...

Love

Do you still love him? The question was simple, my answer, unsure. I don't know Was my whispered answer, instead of a strong, of course not! I hoped they hadn't heard the words that I had  spoken so softly. But alas, they had. Familiar eyes stared in my direction, waiting for my answer. They'd heard this story numerous times, they'd seen the tears that never failed to show up. How was I to tell my friends that the love may never go away? Of course, I would love to say that I feel absolutely nothing for him. That I don't love him, that I don't like him, that I never want to hear his voice again. If only it were that simple. Love, it is an uncontrollable emotion. We know that we should walk away, we know that we should never look back. We know that we shouldn't love this person, yet we still do. It upsets us, we don't want it...not with him . But it feels right and wrong at the same time. If that makes sense at all. Right because, how can lo...

Online Dating: Is This All That's Left?

One day while not working, my co-worker and I started talking about dating, and somehow I got her to sign up for OkCupid. Because jumping online to find Mr. Right had to be the answer to all of her problems. I couldn't let her do it alone, not to mention I'd made a promise to start dating again. I'm pretty fearless, a fact that drives my mother crazy. After only one full day of being on the site, I went to my co-worker and said, "this shit is hard!" Keeping up with the messages, and trying to engage men who thought, "hey" was a conversation starter was just too much for me. This was obviously not my thing. But I'm not a quitter, so I decided I was going to stick it out.  A message sent to my friend I'd also been meaning to do Speed Dating with friends for the longest but my schedule just wouldn't allow it. So, I went to Google, and I found a site called speeddate.com. I mean, if you're going to do online dating, you need to go al...

Closure: You May Never Get It

Closure: A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience. It's different for everyone. We don't all need it to move on to the next thing or get on with life. Sometimes, it's just as simple as charging it to the game and moving on. That's not the case for everyone, some people need that ending, they need to know why. Yesterday, like every other day, my people on Twitter had a discussion. This particular discussion surrounded closure and those who need it. There were a few opinions that I agreed with, but more that I disagreed with. One person said, "They need that closure, that "I'm sorry", so that they can feel better about letting that person back into their life." It's not always about that. Sometimes, people want an I'm sorry because they feel like it's what is needed to move forward. There is a quote by Oprah that I love,  she says, "What we all want is to be seen and heard, and to know that ...